Catalyst
by JoMarsh
Summary: James Potter is an arrogant bully. Lily Evans is a hot-tempered good girl. Severus Snape is an aspiring Death Eater. Peter Pettigrew is a coward. Begins at the end of the fifth year and focuses on Lily, the marauders, and Severus. The characters unknowingly shaped the Wizarding World and ultimately led to the death of Lord Voldemort.
1. Prologue

AN: this is a remake of story I started using a different penname but can no longer continue because I don't have access to that account anymore. It begins relatively the same, but I have made some major edits in the upcoming chapters! Please read and review! The more reviews I get the quicker I update :)

 **October 31st, 1981: 10:45pm.**

Sitting alone in the Hogs Head, Peter Pettigrew reflected on how life was often not fair. He was a small man, barely twenty-one, whom, if circumstances had been different, may have been a better man. Peter chose to blame his circumstances, rather than himself. He chose to believe it wasn't his fault.

Peter Pettigrew had sandy blonde hair, brown eyes, and consistent look of hesitation on his face. Many of his former classmates would have described him as mousy- he was shy, quiet, and many people often didn't pay much attention to him, but he didn't speak to many of his classmates anymore. The three that he did speak to were his best friends. At the thought of his friends, Peter's stomach twisted. He signaled to the bartender for another drink, preferring to drink away his guilt, rather than think about the damage he caused.

Peter was currently on his fifth firewhisky of the night. The whisky, however, was not doing its job of drowning out the guilt. Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat and took another drink.

Peter was not an average man. In fact, Peter Pettigrew was what the average man would call extraordinary; he was a wizard, who came from a long, proud line of wizards. To the average wizard, however, Peter was simply an ordinary, over-looked, slightly overweight man.

The Hogshead, a bar of ill refute in the wizarding world, was currently empty excluding both Peter and the tired looking barkeep. Three years prior this would have been unusual, as wizards, much like every other type of man, enjoyed alcohol, booze, and the company of their peers, and bars of ill refute such as this are known to be quite popular late at night. Much had changed in the past three years, however, and now England's wizarding population was engaged in a deadly war. In the last week, twelve wizards had been found dead in their homes, and Peter knew that by the end of the week there would be at least a dozen more. Everyone knew who was responsible, of course. The Dark Lord, or Lord Voldemort, was one of the most powerful and dangerous wizards alive. He began openly waging war against the Ministry of Magic just over three years ago. At the time, many wizarding families had assumed the ministry would put a stop to his nefarious acts. The ministry had not been successful and was in more danger of being taken over by the Dark Lord and his followers each day.

Lord Voldemort hated wizards born from non-magic (muggle) families. The Dark Lord believed violence, fear, and torture were stepping stones leading to power. He played into deep-seeded prejudices of the wizarding world and created a following of rich bigots. When the killings first began, quiet at first, the Dark Lord lost some of his following. Then, as the killing became more public and violent, wizards were forced to chose a side, as Lord Voldemort took indecision and neutrality as a sign of weakness.

In the last twenty four hours, Peter had finally chosen a side. In truth, he had not been sure which side he would chose. For the past two years, Peter Pettigrew had been playing both sides in a deadly war, carefully calculating which side would become the victor. Tonight, his decision would be final. There would not be any turning back. Sirius would know, and Sirius would never forgive. He would tell everyone how Peter had betrayed his friends, how he had let them be murdered.

Peter thought of Harry, and took another sip of his firewhisky. He looked so much like his father, except for his eyes. Those damn eyes. They were emerald, like his mother's, Lily's, and Peter suspected that Harry would take on much of his mother's personality rather than his father's. Lily who had always been kind to him; Lily who defended him and treated him as an equal.

She was most likely dead now, Peter reflected. He took another drink of his firewhisky. Peter was drunk, but he was a sad, sullen, self-hating drunk. He took another drink, and stared at the clock. It read 10:47. They were all dead now, he guessed. James and Lily. Even little Harry. The Dark Lord had never failed at killing his marks, and He did not trust anyone else to complete this particular task. Peter took another drink of his firewhisky.

Peter remembered the first time he met James Potter. It had been on the train to Hogwarts before their first year had begun. James and Sirius had entered his compartment and asked if they could sit with him. Peter said yes, glad for the company. But James and Sirius had mostly ignored Peter, talking amongst themselves. Peter had felt small and alone during that ride to Hogwarts. Although Peter eventually befriended James and Sirius when they had all been sorted into the same house, Peter had never forgotten. And Peter never truly forgave.

Peter took another sip of his firewhisky, trying to block out the thoughts of all of the pleasant memories of James Potter: James standing up for him, staying up late and laughing with his three friends, sneaking around the castle, fighting with James and Sirius on his side, James reassuring him…. Ten years of good memories, of James being his friend.

Peter signaled the barkeep to replenish his now empty cup and continued to drink. Ten years of friendship. Ten years, and now James Potter was no more.

Sitting alone, Peter reflected on his life, and came to the conclusion that it was not his fault. He didn't have a choice. Voldemort would have killed him. It wasn't his fault. He took another drink. It was just who he was.

He took another, large drink of his firewhisky and let the disillusion sink in. Peter had never been anyone special or great. Being a part of the marauders had not changed who he was; he had only tricked himself into believing he was something other, something better, than he was.

Peter Pettigrew, the son of Edna and Peter Pettigrew, was often regarded as a disappointment by others. Even his parents, both from old pureblood families, often found their son perplexing. The senior Peter Pettigrew had been a Slytherin during his time at Hogwarts, and was thoroughly surprised by his son's sorting into Gryffindor. Although the Pettigrew family could not strictly be classified as blood supremacists, they did come from a long line of prejudice wizards. However, the Pettigrew's preferred to stay out of the political lime-light and chose not to openly choose a side. The junior Peter Pettigrew, however, had taken on his friend's perspectives when it came to both politics and the war. When Peter had told his parents that he intended to fight against the Dark Lord, his father was rather perplexed.

"This isn't your war, boy." His father had told him. "You're a pure blood. The blood that runs through your veins is noble. You're pure. You keep your head down during this war and stay out of it, y'hear me? It's not your fault that this is happening, and it's sure as hell not your responsibility to stop it."

Edna Pettigrew had also been surprised by her son's response. Edna had been a Ravenclaw. She was as clever as she was cruel, however, and her sharp wit was often used to belittle, diminish, and verbally abuse others. She believed in putting herself first, and only thought of others as an afterthought. She truly cared only about a select few people, her son and her husband being the exception rather than the rule. Edna would have idolized her son, simply because he was her son, but he fell short of her expectations. Edna supported her son's decision out of obligation, though she would have preferred that her son stay out of the war in order to stay out of harm's way.

Peter, however, had developed a character which was in some parts his mother and in other parts his father. Peter was actually quite clever, though not in a traditional way. Like his mother, Peter could read people instinctively. He could sense their weaknesses, strengths, and how best to persuade them. Like his father, though, Peter was inherently selfish and used his perceptiveness to his advantage. He often surrounded himself with people who were stronger, smarter, and more talented then him. Peter was also a dreamer, like his father. He surrounded himself with people he strived to be like, whose characters were decidedly strong, brave, and admirable. He imagined himself to take on the characteristics of his friends. He imagined himself loyal, outgoing, optimistic, and impressive. He could, in fact, imitate these characteristics quite well, and for a time he truly did believe that he possessed these qualities, that he could truly be a better person.

In his heart Peter knew he was selfish and often self-serving. Being friends with Remus Lupin had taught him to be humble, to reflect on one's weaknesses and not let it define you, and for a while Peter had convinced himself that he could change the very nature of his character. That he could be a better person. Being friends with James Potter and Sirius Black had taught him to be brave and to always stand up for what he believed in. For a time, he thought that he could imitate that, as well. It was easy to be brave when he was with James and Sirius; they had his back, and he had reason to believe that no one would dare go behind Black and Potter. For a time, Peter believed that he could truly take on those traits as a part of his character. That he could become the person he wanted to be by sheer force of will. But a war was brewing. James and Sirius were no longer the strongest force, and Peter knew that they could not protect him for much longer.

Peter wanted to be brave and he wanted to change, but the very nature of his greatest weaknesses had too much pull, the idea of giving his own life for a greater cause petrified him. He could not compel himself to die for his friends, even if he hated himself because of it.

And hate himself, he did. Because although Peter dreamed of being like James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin, he could never muster the willpower to actually change himself. In his heart of hearts, Peter Pettigrew was self-serving, and his only true alliance had ever been to himself. Perhaps, had circumstances have been different, if had been raised differently or tried harder or if circumstances had not caused to chose between himself and his friends, he could have been different.

As Peter Pettigrew sat alone, sullenly drinking his firewhisky, he realized, not for the first time, that there was no going back.

He took a large gulp of his firewhisky, finishing his glass. He stood up, and walked out of the bar and into the bitter October air. Outside, he took one last glimpse at the street where he had often snuck off to with James, Sirius, and Remus. He could almost see them as boys again, gleefully running through the streets, laughing at their own cleverness, and breaking the rules with reckless abandon.

James Potter had been a good friend. Peter Pettigrew had been a terrible friend, but Peter vowed to always remember him. To always cherish his the memory of James Potter.

Peter stared down the street, feeling numb. He felt empty, hollow. Peter Pettigrew apparated to his home and went to bed knowing that James, Lily, and Harry Potter were dead because of him.

AN: I always enjoy starting off a story with end! The next chapters will focus on the fifteen-year-old versions on these characters! Reviews are always welcome.


	2. Chapter 1

**May 31st, 1975**

"Bad luck, mate." A fifteen year old Sirius Black told his best friend, James Potter.

James Potter, a tall, skinny youth of fifteen looked at his best friend and sighed. Perhaps Sirius sensed how deeply James was actually hurting, because he walked over to his friend and clapped him on the shoulder and spoke quietly enough that only James could hear him. "She'll come around, Prongs."

James Potter sincerely doubted the validity of Sirius's statement, however. Lily Evans, a fellow Gryffindor fifth year, would not accept James's apologies no matter how hard he tried.

James did realize, however, that his first apology may not have been done in the correct manner:

 _"Oi! Evans! Wait up!" James had yelled after Lily._

 _Lily hadn't stopped, but rather quickened her pace. James had to run to catch up to her._

 _"I'm going to be late to my Charms OWL, Potter." Lily had said, trying unsuccessfully to avoid talking to her least favorite marauder._

 _"I know. I have to take it, too." James reminded her._

 _"Oh… right."_

 _"Just let me walk with you to Charms, and then I'll leave you alone."_

 _"You'll leave me alone?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Like actually leave me alone?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Yes, Evans. I've said yes like three times now."_

 _"Alright, then talk."_

" _Snape was a git to you, earlier. He never should have called you that." James said._

 _"You never should have flipped him upside down and threatened to remove his knickers." Lily countered, not missing a beat._

 _"You're not actually saying that Snivillus has the moral high ground, are you? He hates anyone with unpure blood, Evans. He thinks they're beneath him. He called you a- a- a you-know-what!"_

 _"He wouldn't have said it, if it wasn't for you." Lily glared at James. Her glare making it obvious that she believed she was right and he was wrong. James Potter HATED to be wrong._

 _"He might not have said it, but he still would have thought it, Evans." Lily flinched visibly and James wondered if he had gone too far._

 _Lily met James' eyes, and James sensed the truth. She knew that James's words were true; she knew what Severus believed. She knew that her best friend was gone and that he could never be her best friend again. James saw the recognition in Lily's eyes, but he also saw the hurt. He saw that her heart had broken, that something she had dreaded- though ultimately knew would happen- had occurred. She had lost her best friend because of his beliefs and it hadn't even surprised her._

 _James also saw rage in her eyes. A rage that even he normally didn't see. It was anger so profound that it was borderline illogical. There was no reasoning with Lily right now. James realized this, but he had to explain, to make her not hate him._

 _"You don't know that." Lily said angrily, her voice reaching a dangerous level._

 _"Yes, I do. He's practically a Death Eater!"_

 _"He used one slur. That doesn't make him a Death Eater!"_

 _"He used a slur which is directly offensive towards you! Can't you see that? Honestly, I sort of did you a favor. Snivillus doesn't deserve to even breathe the same air as you!"_

 _Their voices were raised now, and an angry flush had spread across Lily's face. The two had stopped walking all together, and were facing each other, both staring angrily at the other._

 _"So this is your apology?" Lily asked, her voice icy. "You've ruined a childhood friendship because you're a bloody bully, and you can't even say that you're sorry?"_

 _"I'm sorry if my actions led to Snape treating you like crap." James said, attempting to get his temper in check. He_ had _come here to apologize, after all._

 _As soon as the words were out of his mouth, however, James realized his mistake. James was sorry that Lily was upset and that she was hurt, but he would not apologize for Snape. Snape, who's very existence bothered James to the core, was a Death Eater (or an aspiring Death Eater) and he would not apologize for his actions. Besides, Snape was always hanging around Lily, staring at her. James knew firsthand what it looked like to be in love with Lily Evans, and he had no delusions about Snape's affections towards Lily. Lily had often sided with Snape and not James and that had hurt James more than he cared to admit. No, he'd never apologize for his treatment to Snape._

 _"But, you're not sorry that you're a bully. You're not sorry for the hell you put him through? You're not sorry for singling him out, for tormenting him, for treating him like scum?"_

 _Lily searched his face, looking for anything, anything at all to redeem Potter. Lily had always believed that she could never hate someone, but Potter had become too much. He sought out her friend- ex-friend, she reminded herself- simply to torment him, simply to make him feel worthless. She felt something stronger than anger build in the pit of her stomach: it was hate. Hate that Potter had harmed Snape. Hate that Potter couldn't care less about hurting someone. Hate towards Snape for finally showing his true colors. Hate towards herself, for not seeing it before. Hate and rage._

 _"He deserved it!" James yelled, losing his temper once more. This was not how he had planned this to go._

 _"No one deserves that, Potter." Lily said softly, suddenly not mad. Just sad and too tired to fight._

 _Lily turned around and began to walk away. James stared helplessly at her retreating form._

 _"Wait." He called._

 _"What?" Lily stopped but she did not turn around._

 _"Do you think- ehm- do you think we could ever be friends?" James asked cautiously._

 _The question hung in the air, creating an unbearable silence. In truth, this is what James had wanted to ask all along, but this chat hadn't been going the way he wanted._

 _"No." Lily said bluntly, cutting through the silence. "No I don't think so."_

 _Lily walked away. James called after her, but this time Lily didn't look back._

* * *

Later that evening, Severus Snape sat in his common room, rejecting even the idea of sleep because he knew it would not come. So he sat for the last night of his fifth year, in a despairing haze of self-hatred. He had fucked up. He had fucked up, and he could never- would never make it right again.

"Does it make a difference, being muggle-born?" Lily had once asked her best friend, Severus Snape.

Even then, at ten years old, Lily had been perceptive. She had picked up on one of the wizarding world's greatest dilemmas, blood purity, before she had even truly been exposed to the magical society. Severus, of course, knew more about the Wizarding world then he knew about muggle society, and he knew of the tensions. At ten years old, however, he had not understood the politics behind it at the time. Severus had not understood what it had meant to be Slytherin, not truly, not yet.

He could not have guessed, at that time, that being placed in a separate houses would test the two best friends' friendship. He did not know, at ten years old, what it would be like to become friends with Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, and Roiser. Severus and Lily had been separated, and Severus's life had gotten complicated. Lily hated Severus's friends, and Snape's friends hated Lily. They had often called her, and several of her friends, "filthy little mudbloods." Severus had always protested this, but his friends had shaken off his words, saying that Severus's desires were clouding his better judgment.

Ironically, those were the exact words Severus used towards Lily. "Filthy little mudblood." Severus winced as the words echoed through his head. The words had just slipped out. Potter had attacked him, embarrassed him in front of Lily. Lily had _pitied_ him. Severus decidedly did not want Lily's pity. He wanted so much more from her. He wanted Lily to see him for he truly was, powerful and brave. But when Potter and his friends were around, Severus did not stand a chance. Not against four wizards.

Severus closed his eyes, thinking only of Lily. Thinking about how unbelievably, stupidly close he had been with Lily. How things had been changing between them; how he thought that Lily might actually return his feelings. But that would never happen now.

"You've chosen your side, I've chosen mine." Lily had told him, effectively ending their friendship.

Their wonderful friendship, a friendship that been so wonderfully blissful and so irrevocably heart breaking. Severus had always wanted Lily Evans. From the moment Severus Snape saw Lily Evans, he knew. In truth, Severus hadn't known she was a witch when he first saw her. He had seen her dark red hair and beautiful green eyes and had been bewitched. The moment he saw her, his world stopped and slowly began to revolve around her. It wasn't until after he watched her for awhile that he discovered she was a witch. Which only made Severus love her even more.

He had thought, if only for a few days, that he had actually had a chance with her.

 _Just a few days before, Severus and Lily had taken a long walk around the lake. They had gotten into an argument over Potter, but Lily eventually called James Potter and "arrogant toerag" and Severus had never been so satisfied. The argument hadn't lasted long, and the rest of their walk had been pleasant. Lily had asked about his parents, which Severus had shrugged off, replying simply with, "When aren't they fighting, Lily?" They had discussed their upcoming O.W.L.S. and Lily had complained about how hard it was to study in the common room with all of the ruckus (or James Potter and his annoying friends) around._

 _"We can study together." Snape promised her. "I don't cause ruckus."_

 _"Yes you do!" Lily laughed. She truly had a beautiful laugh._

 _"No I don't! When have I ever caused a ruckus?"_

 _"How about when you turned Tuney's hairbrush into a toad! That truly caused a ruckus."_

 _"Yeah, well, I don't remember you complaining." Severus laughed as well._

 _"Until that horrid howler arrived." Lily said, biting back another spout of laughter._

 _"Petunia's face when she saw the owl, though. That was priceless."_

 _"She was scared." Lily said, frowning._

 _"She called you a freak, two minutes earlier, Lil. And the owl didn't hurt her."_

 _"Well that's not strictly true," Lily murmured. "He did bite her finger!_

 _Severus laughed. "He was only looking for treats."_

 _Lily laughed, shaking her head. "Admit it, you enjoyed causing a ruckus."_

 _"Only for you." Severus said quietly, meeting her eyes with an intense gaze._

 _Lily blushed, as Severus's eyes pierced hers. She looked away from Severus, unsure of how to respond. Severus wasn't sure if Lily had understood the implications of what he'd said. Regardless, Severus's heart was pounding and his head was filled with hopeful images of him and Lily together. Lily looked up after a moment, he rchecks (beautifully, wonderfully) were still red from blushing, but only faintly so. She looped her arm through Severus's and they continued their stroll._

 _Much later, Severus had walked Lily back to her dorm, taking her right to the portrait hole. Her arm was still looped through his, a fact that kept Severus's body in a state of tingly, anxious bliss. Severus looked at Lily and contemplated telling her how he felt. It was, in theory, relatively simple. All he had to was say four words. He could tell her exactly how he felt, he could tell her everything-_

 _"Sev?" Lily asked gently, pulling Severus from his thoughts._

 _"Yes?" Severus asked._

 _"I just wanted to know if I'd see you tomorrow." She looked directly in his eyes. It was then that Severus realized just how very close Lily was to him. He could see Lily's freckles, splotched along the bridge of her nose and he could smell her perfume, lavender and lilies. Severus's heart was pounding in his chest._

 _"Y-yes." he managed to choke out. "If you'd like."_

 _"I would." Lily said quietly, shyly._

 _Severus realized this was his moment, he should tell her or kiss her or both._

 _"Lil-" Severus began just as Lily said, "Sev-." They both stopped and laughed nervously._

 _"You go ahead, Sev."_

 _"I just- I wanted to tell you something." Severus began nervously, awkwardly._

 _"You can tell me anything." Lily reminded her best friend._

 _Severus took a deep breath. This could either be the best day of his life or the worst._

 _"I-" But Severus was never able to get the rest of his sentence out, as James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew all chose that exact moment to exit their dormitory._

 _"Evans!" Potter called to Lily, looking at the (slightly) compromising position of Severus and Lily._

 _"James, mate. Let's go." Lupin urged._

 _"Ah Snivellus. Excellent." Black turned to look at Severus Snape with a nasty smile._

 _"Let it go, Padfoot." Lupin repeated to his other friend. "We have plans, remember." Lupin looked at Lily, grimacing and apologetic._

 _Potter looked at Lily and Severus again, looking bitter._

 _"Padfoot, he's right." Pettigrew said quietly, grabbing Black's arm and physically pulling him away from the scene. Remus did the same with Potter and the four friends vanished around the corner._

Severus shook his head, pulling himself back into the present. _That_ had been his chance. Potter had ruined his chance, just as he had ruined his friendship with Lily.

James fucking Potter. Severus had never hated someone as much as he hated Potter. Sirius Black was a close second, but true unadulterated hate was saved only for James Potter. The way he looked at Lily, Severus knew that Potter fancied her. And the way Lily responded. Lily had always claimed to hate Potter, but no matter what Severus did, Lily had never gotten that mad at him, he had never shaken her the way Potter did. When Potter and Lily fought- something that had become regular occurrence in their third year- they challenged each other. They fought for dominance and control. They took cheap shots and insulted the very essence of the other's core. They both became heated; they swore and openly attempted to offend the other. Both of their faces would turn red, and they would really, truly fight. Yet, after the fight, Lily's face would be flushed. She'd walk with her back straighter and her head held high. If she had stayed up late for an assignment the previous night, she'd be re-energized. Severus thought that he should be happy that they fought, but he hadn't felt happy. He felt empty. Because no matter what, Lily would never fight back that hard when it came to Severus. Severus often found himself wondering if it was, perhaps, because there was just more passion between Lily and Potter or if Lily's dislike came from misunderstood and misplaced attraction.

Severus sighed. Perhaps he ought to steel himself for the day where Lily Evans would walk down a lonely corridor with James Potter. And nothing, not even the end of Lily and Severus's friendship, hurt worse than thought.

* * *

Lily sat in her bed, staring at the curtains in front of her. It was the middle of the night. Lily knew she should be asleep. All of her housemates were. Tonight was the last time she'd sleep in this bed for a few months. Instead of being in a blissful state of sleep, she had tossed and turned for hours, before giving up and letting her thoughts take control of her.

Lily Evans hated the end of the school year. She hated leaving Hogwarts, leaving the magical world behind and immersing herself back into a muggle existence. She hated waking up in a house to a sister who was determined to hate her, parents who idolized her magic, and a house only blocks from Severus Snape. She hated the mediocrity of muggle life. She had been exposed to magic, adventure, a castle that never failed to be surprising, and best friends who had become so integrated in her life that she truly believed them to be her family.

It wasn't that she didn't love her mother and her father or even her sister. She loved them dearly, even Petunia who was determined to hate the very core of her being. But she simply didn't fit, anymore. She wasn't what they had expected her to be, and though they were proud of her, she'd never have the normal childhood that they had expected for her. Her parents loved the idea of magic, but they'd never truly understood the magical world. How could she tell her parents that she had become a part of a society that fundamentally, systematically, and consistently discriminated and hated her kind. That a man, whose name many people feared to _even_ speak, was gaining power and support and threatened her life simply because of her bloodline. She couldn't tell them; how does one even begin to explain systematic discrimination? How does one explain illogical, unreasonable hatred? She didn't understand it, so how could she explain it?

Instead, she lied to her parents every day of her life. She lied by omission, so not strictly a lie in the most technical sense. But Lily knew it was deception, and she hated herself for it. She hated that she, eventually, would have to choice between her muggle life and her magic life. She hated how she knew which life would win, which life had already consumed her. She hated that the life she was choosing would most likely be the death of her. That she would have to fight for her right for a life in that world, and she would most likely die a violent death because of it.

She hated the unfairness of it all. But most of all, Lily was just angry. Angry at the world, angry at the blood supremacists, angry that she had been born into this mess, and angry that she felt powerless to change it. Just angry.

She was at angry at James Potter, too. For ending her and Severus' friendship, for being a bully, even for existing. Most all, though, Lily was angry that James was right. Severus was a death eater- or, more likely, he was soon to be a death eater. He would leave Hogwarts and, with his other friends, join Voldemort's ranks. He would fight on the opposite side as Lily, and ultimately they would have to face each other. Perhaps, in the future, they may have to duel, to come face to face in a deadly battle. Lily knew she would never have the heart to harm Severus. She knew that, when the time came, she'd never be able to take her childhood friend's life. But would he be able to take hers? Lily was scared she already knew the answer.

Mudblood. The word haunted her. Mudblood. That's all she was. Mudblood, mudblood, mudblood. Maybe if she said the word enough, it would lose its power. Mudblood. Severus Snape had been a lost cause. When she thought about Severus, she wasn't angry, not at him. Mudblood. Lily realized she was just sad. Sad that she hadn't been able to fix him. Sad that she had lost her friend. Sad that she hadn't been enough. That the pull of power, dark magic, and hatred had been stronger than Lily, had been more important. Mudblood.

Lily blinked fast, trying not cry, but not succeeding.

Mudblood. That's what she had been reduced to; she had been diminished and belittled.

Mudblood.

Lily closed her eyes, and for the first time, let herself cry.

"Lily?" A soft voice came from the darkness.

Lily stopped, her heart beating fast in her chest. She had thought everyone else was asleep.

"Yeah?" Lily sniffled.

Mary pulled the curtains back from Lily's bed and climbed into her bed.

Mary McDonald was a pretty, quick witted brunette. She had soft features, with wavy hair and baby blue eyes. Mary was short for her age, barely standing above five feet. Mary was sweet, affectionate, and kind. She had an uncanny ability to read people and knew the best way to support them, and Mary sensed that, at the moment, Lily just needed someone to understand.

"You were thinking about Snape, weren't you?" Mary asked quietly.

"Yes." Lily said simply, unable to explain the anguish she felt.

Mary looked at her friend, her eyes searching Lily's face.

"I'm sorry." Mary did not say the words she desperately wanted to say: that Severus Snape didn't deserve someone as beautiful, smart, and talented as Lily to _even_ look at him, that he wasn't worth the pain. That the slimy git didn't deserve to be mourned. But Mary knew that wouldn't help her friend.

"I wasn't enough, Mary. I just wasn't enough." And then Lily began to cry.

Mary wrapped her arms around her best friend, and let her cry. Mary hated Severus Snape.

Eventually, Lily ran out of tears, but Mary kept her arm around her friend. They sat in silence, taking comfort in each other's presence. The two girls fell asleep after awhile, and Lily spent her last night of her fifth year knowing that she was not alone, and that she would never be alone.

Severus Snape, lying awake on a couch in the Slytherin common room at the very same moment, had never felt more alone.

* * *

Peter Pettigrew sat up in his bed, thinking about his father's words. "This isn't your war, boy." The word's burned his mind, making Peter question everything that had decided about his life.

James Potter was convinced this was their war. That it was their responsibility to fight. That to not fight was an insult to the very nature of being Gryffindor. Peter supposed it would be easier if he was more like James. If he could simply _know_ in his heart that he was brave. That he could be full of conviction and passion. That if he could act without thinking and know what was right. But Peter would never be James Potter.

He also would neber be Sirius Black, who believed that this war was a personal affront on him, either. That his family- and those like his family- were responsible. That he could wash away his genetics and become someone else by fighting against his family. He spoke of the war with anger, with hatred. He hated the pureblood mania. He hated those who thought someone else was less than them simply because of who their parents was. He hated blood and linage. He hated that it reminded him of his family, of his awful childhood. Sirius Black would and was determined to die for the cause. He was determined to prove himself- to die for something. To die defying his parents and the life they had planned for him. But Peter Pettigrew did not want to die; he did not embrace it like Sirius did. He did not feel the need to prove himself by dying.

"This isn't your war, boy."

But it was Remus's. Peter knew this instinctively. Remus, James, and Sirius knew it too. Remus, was the only half-blood marauder. He was also a werewolf. Voldemort's regime would never accept Remus as an equal. He would always be seen as somehow less. Remus was also determined to fight, but this made more sense to Peter than James and Sirius. This war _directly_ affected Remus. Remus would fight, and he would fight to change the world. Remus believed that he actually could, however. That made Peter very sad. Peter was quite certain, no matter who won the war, that the deep-seeded prejudices would never end.

"This isn't you war, boy."

But wasn't it? Weren't James, Sirius, and Remus his friends, his family? Wasn't it destiny to fight with them? But, a small voice in the back of his head reminded him, was it his destiny to die for them?

Peter sighed, and closed his eyes.

It was amazing how Peter could feel so alone, surrounded by the snores and breathing of his best friends.

* * *

James Potter also lay awake, only two beds away from his sleepless best friend. James had tried to sleep, but had quickly given up. He could still hear Lily's words. "No one deserves that."

James had always told himself that they singled out Snape because he wanted to be a death eater, because he was a Slytherin and that those two qualities made it okay. But James knew that wasn't always true. James and Sirius had dubbed Snape "Snivilius" on the train ride of their first year. Snape hadn't been sorted into a house yet (although he had hinted that Slytherin was the best house). The Death Eater movement hadn't begun and Lord Voldemort didn't have much of a following.

That day James and Sirius had sealed Snape's fate. Snape was awkward and gawky, while James and Sirius were charming and boisterous. They had become immensely popular quickly, and Snape did not. Within days, most of Hogwarts had known their names, even the upperclassmen. The whole of Hogwarts had also known who Snape was, as well, but they knew him but his not-so-charming nickname.

Remus had often told James that he was being unfair, yet James had ignored him, giving him the same old excuse: "It's just old Snivillus. We aren't hurting anyone."

But weren't they? From what Lily said, they were hurting someone, they just hadn't cared. Severus Snape bothered James from the moment they met. Although he couldn't place it at the time, James reckoned that it all came down to Lily. The moment he laid eyes on Lily, James felt something snap. He felt something in his chest expand, and he could tell that she was someone special. He knew this was the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life with.

As cliché as it sounds, James had fallen in love on the spot. Or, whatever form of love an eleven year old boy can fall into. He saw her emerald eyes, curly red hair, and shy smile and he knew. And she had smiled at him, if only for the briefest of seconds before Sirius and he had ruined the moment. She had smiled brightly at him, matching his enthusiasm. Somehow James knew that she had felt it too. That deep level connection that only soul mates feel.

And then the whole situation had spiraled- as it often did when James was around Lily- and James lost control. Lily ended up glaring at him, defending her best friend. And that's the moment that James began to hate Severus Snape. He felt a roar of jealousy that he couldn't explain or comprehend, and from that moment he knew that Severus Snape would be the enemy.

James rolled over, realizing, perhaps for the first time, what he had always known: he hated Snape because they were both in love with Lily. Perhaps Snape hated him with equal measure because he felt the exact same way.

James had finally accomplished "breaking up" Lily and Snape's friendship. He'd imagined he would have felt satisfied, but he didn't. Instead, he saw for the first time, with shocking clarity exactly how Lily viewed him: as a complete arse. James doubted Lily would ever forgive him.

James Potter didn't feel alone that night, but he did feel as if he were missing the most important part of his life. He rolled over once more, and prepared himself for what promised to a sleepless night.

* * *

AN: Please review and let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 2

**An: Here's the next chapter! I always appreciate reviews! A special shoutout to my anonymous reviewer and to HannahStach for the feedback! I really appreciate it! :)**

* * *

 **June 15th, 1975**

James had known from the moment he saw Lily that she was someone special. He hadn't begun to understand his feelings towards her until his third year. During his first and second years, he managed to stay away from Lily. Any conversation he'd had with her during those two years had been minimal and he'd always managed to sound like a mumbling idiot. In his third year, however, he found that arguing with her was like running a marathon. It was hard work and it usually left him winded, but Merlin, it also made him feel alive.

He also enjoyed watching her checks turn red in indignation. How, when they fought, she treated him like he was the only person in the room. He got her full attention. She'd yell at him, call him horrible names, but he'd never really felt her words. He was too busy watching the way her lips formed his name and the how her eyes would darken with anger. He enjoyed arguing with her. She tested him and challenged him in a way that excited him. He wanted to prove himself to her, and he knew that she wanted to prove herself to him. She was scrappy, fighting with all her might. He found it endearing and enchanting.

It wasn't until his fourth year that he had worked up the courage to ask her out. She had been sitting alone in the common room, reading a book by the dying fire. It had been late. James was planning on heading to the kitchen for a midnight snack when he saw her. She hadn't heard him come down and therefore did not see his eyes on her. He stared at her. Her skin had turned a golden color in the firelight and her hair had turned a truly radiant red. The flames cast shadows across her face that made her look, if possible, even more lovely than she normally did.

"Evans." He said quietly, trying not to startle her.

Lily jumped and looked at him, but quickly regained her composure. "I don't have the energy to fight, Potter." She looked weary, and James had not noticed how tired she looked before.

"Good. I didn't come to fight." James sat down on her couch, leaving enough room for someone else between them.

"Oh." Lily looked startled by this information. "Right. Good. That's good?"

"Are you alright?" James hadn't noticed from afar, but now he could see that her eyes were red. She'd been crying.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, realizing that he eyes had given her away. She wiped at her eyes, trying to remove the evidence. "Yes, I'm fine. Just a long day."

"Want to talk about it?"

"With you? No." She didn't say it to be rude, it was simply just the truth.

"Well, did someone make you cry? I can hex them, if you like."

"No, that won't be necessary. Thanks." Lily said this only a little dryly.

"I mean it. I don't like to see you upset." James admitted.

"You called me a stuck up bitch last week!"

"You called me a bully, an arrogant prick, a horrible person, and told me Hogwarts would be better off without my big, fat head in that same argument." James countered.

"Yeah, I guess." Lily said, looking down.

"And besides I've never made you cry." James reminded her.

Lily stared at him for a second, before looking away. She'd never been a good liar.

"Wait! Have I? Why didn't you tell me?" James demanded.

"We're not exactly friends." Lily didn't elaborate further than that.

"Still."

"It was only once."

"When?"

"A few months ago. You said, 'no wonder your muggle sister wants nothing to do with you, you nosy bint." Lily said.

"I didn't want to make you cry." James looked down.

"My sisters sort of a sore subject."

"Noted. I won't mention her again." James began to play with his thumbs unsure of were this conversation was going to go.

The two sat there on the sofa for awhile before either of them spoke.

"If I ever cross a line like that again, let me know. Arguing with you- it's- it's... Well I'm not sure there's a word for what it is, but its never meant to hurt you."

"I know." Lily said, surprising him. She looked at him, making eye contact with him. "I hate the way you treat others and how you and your friends break the rules all the time, but usually our arguments are just... stress releasing."

"Stress releasing?" James asked.

"Well, isn't like that for you? If I've had a bad day or I'm feeling crappy, arguing with you helps release all of my anger and frustration."

That wouldn't be how James described it. It was an exhilarating experience. It filled him with all sorts of confusing feelings, but it always left him wanting more, wanting her more. But he kept that to himself. "Yeah, its something like that."

"And most of the time, I don't even think you mean what you say." Lily looked at him. It was uncanny how she could read him so well, but he couldn't tell what she was feeling.

"I don't." James answered honestly, because he didn't know what else to say.

There was another pause in conversation, and Lily returned to her book.

"Lily?" James broke the silence.

"You've never called me that." Lily said, surprised.

"There's a Hogsmead trip coming up, and I think we should go together." James said in a rush. He certain that it came out sounding more like one word rather than twelve.

"What?" Lily's voice was icy. "So this is what this is all about. It always comes back to messing with him, doesn't it? You're unbelievable."

"What? Who are you talking about?" James asked incredulously.

"Severus, of course."

"What! No! This has nothing to do with Snivillus." James said angrily. This wasn't going how he wanted.

"Yes, yes it is! You're just using me to find another way to torture him. Jeez, I almost bought it, too." Lily looked at resentfully. You truly are a prick."

James had never been truly offended by any of the names Lily called him until that moment. But he'd quickly brushed it off and began to continuously ask her out. If he made a joke out of it, he found that it didn't hurt so much when she said no.

* * *

The summer months were particularly hard for Lily. She sat outside her house on a brightly colored beach towel, with a book in her lap. She was drinking lemonade, but she desperately wished for some pumpkin juice. How odd. Even her tastes in beverages had been changed by the wizarding world. She shook her head, not wanting to think about Hogwarts and her friends for just a little while. When she was at school, Hogwarts consumed her. Her wizarding life took over, and she forgot about who she was as a muggle, that she came from muggles.

In the past, she'd always had Severus Snape. But Sever- Snape. Snape wasn't her friend anymore. She allowed herself the briefest of seconds to think about her former friend. He was, most likely, sitting in his house, pouring over some potions book. Or some other dark, nefarious aspect of magic. But Lily preferred not to think about him that way. She wasn't going to think about him anymore, she reminded herself.

Still, she thought he could be so much more than he was settling for. When she'd met Severus, they were just children, and he had introduced her into a world she had never known existed. He had promised her that being a muggle born didn't matter. And it hadn't mattered to him. It had never bothered him that she had muggle parents. He _liked_ her parents. She had often sensed that he was jealous of her family. His father was also a muggle, but he was cruel and unkind to both Severus and his mother, who was a witch. A rather gifted and genius witch. Lily was pretty sure she had won some awards back in her Hogwarts days, but Mrs. Snape no longer practiced magic. In fact, it had seemed that anything magical had been sucked out of Severus's mother. Perhaps it was her toerag of a husband, perhaps she sensed what her son was, or maybe it had more to do with the disillusionment of the world. Lily could hardly imagine that Mrs. Snape imagined her life as it had turned out.

Perhaps Severus had learned to hate muggles because of his father. Perhaps it had been Mr. Snape that made Severus the way he was. If Lily truly believed that, then perhaps she could forgive Severus, but Lily had the sinking feeling that wasn't the reason- or at least not the whole reason. See, Lily didn't believe that Severus hated muggle borns. No, Severus was far too intelligent to play into prejudices like that. Plus, a tiny voice inside her head reminded her, he was in love with her. And people who believe that mudbloods are worthless don't fall in love with mudbloods. No, Snape didn't hate muggle borns. He didn't want to become a Death Eater because he hated all muggle borns. The truth was much darker. Severus liked the Dark Arts. He wanted power. He needed to feel powerful. All his life he had been made to feel small, and now he was determined to become powerful. Even if that meant buying into blood supremacy. Severus would step on just about anyone to get what he wanted.

Lily just hadn't thought she was one of those people. She was under the impression that she'd be the one to save him. It was why, when he'd look at her with those intense eyes, she never shut him down. When he'd look at her with such hunger, such desire, she'd look straight back at him. Lily Evans had always imagined she'd be able to save Severus Snape.

But she hadn't. She hadn't been enough.

Lily sighed. Shaking her head, trying to distract herself from Severus. At one point, she may have imagined herself to return Severus's feelings, but the truth was, she had only wanted to love him because he loved her and she wanted to make him happy. But now that didn't matter, and she would not spare another thought on Severus Snape.

And, alas, it would be one of the last times Lily Evans thought about Severus Snape, but it would not be the last time Severus Snape thought of her. In fact, his last dying thought would be about her beautiful, emerald eyes. But that's an entirely different story.

Lily had wanted a distraction and a distraction did come, in the form of an owl. Lily frowned at the owl, confused. She had responded to Mary's owl only yesterday, so she wasn't expecting a response for another few days. Marlene was on vacation, and Lily wasn't expecting any post from her until she returned in two weeks. Alice had just begun dating an older bloke, and Lily knew Alice well enough that she would be completely wrapped up in him for at least another two weeks. Lily had other friends at Hogwarts, of course, but none that regularly wrote to her. Docras Meadows occasionally wrote, but she had just begun Auror training, and Lily imagined that was taking up much of her time. She sometimes got post Remus Lupin or Peter Pettigrew, two of her male housemates she got along with, but they were cross with her for her continued (rude) rejections of Potter, so she wasn't expecting them to write her for at least a few more weeks.

Lily cringed, realizing just who this letter was most likely from and her annoyance grew when the messy scrawl confirmed her suspicions. James Potter had the bloody nerve to write to her. This was summer vacation, and one of the few perks was that she was able to get away from that bloody git. She opened the letter, fully prepared for her mood to worsen.

She petted the owl, wishing she had a treat to give it, but the best she could do was offer a grape from the bowl beside her. The owl refused.

 _Evans,_

 _I'm not certain you'll actually read this letter, but in the off chance that you do... I know you hate me- Remus has confirmed it several times. I also know that I promised I'd leave you alone, but I think we both knew I was lying to you. Although, I do plan to leave you alone, if that's what you want. I'm not writing to you to annoy you or ask you out (yes, I know that the answer is no), but to apologize._

 _Remus reckons I didn't do a very good job at apologizing last time. I truly only meant to tell you I was sorry for any part that I played in hurting you. It was never my intention to hurt you. Sirius reckons I ought to not send this letter because its a known fact you hate me, but Peter reckons that you couldn't hate anyone. He says you're too nice. Although Peter has always had an extremely high opinion of you since you stood up for him against Mucliber in second year. Truth is, so have I._

 _You're a nice person, Lily Evans, and I am not. You've made it clear that I am an arrogant, bullying toerag. I have bullied your best friend. I have treated others unkindly, its true, but I have never thought of myself as a bad person before you. I've always imagined myself as a protector of sorts. A protector to Remus and Peter, but even more of blood-traitors and muggle borns alike. And in a sense, I have fulfilled that role, but I have also ignored other parts of myself. Mostly the bad parts. Luckily, I have you to remind me of those._

 _Not that I have you, of course, I just mean-_

The words had been scratched out, but Lily could still read them. Whatever Lily had been expecting, this had not been it. This was an honest, open letter from James Potter. Not that a pretty letter could change everything he had done to her in the past, but it still had to count for something. Although Lily suspected that Remus had played a huge role in this letter. She could almost imagine Potter sitting at a desk, with Remus standing behind him, reading over his shoulder, helping him find the words to apologize. Yes, of course this had more to do with Remus than Potter.

 _I am sorry if I hurt you. Remus and Peter reckon that I have some growing up to do, that there are some truth to your words. Sirius reckons I'm perfect just the way I am. I reckon that's why he's my favorite (yes Remus just yelled in indignation)._

So Remus was helping Potter. Lily wasn't surprised.

 _I'm going to try and be a better person from now on. I know you said you didn't think you could be my friend. I'm going to try and respect that, but I hope, from this point on we can be civil. We most likely will have quite a few classes together (as I'm assuming you got just as many OWLS as I did- 7, by the way- Remus just informed me that this might be the behavior you don't like, so, if it is, I am sorry) and I don't want any more screaming matches in the future. I reckon you'll want to be head girl and it really doesn't help your chances to be getting into weekly screaming matches with a (handsome) troublemaker._

 _Sincerely,_

 _James_

Shit, Lily thought. She had never thought that James _actually_ liked her. She'd always assumed that he had asked her out to get a rise out of Severus.

The owl tapped at Lily's fingers with its beak. So Potter had told it to wait for a response. Of bloody course. The owl tapped again, this time harder.

"Okay, okay." Lily mumbled to the bird, and walked inside, letting the owl follow her, to find some parchment and a quill.

* * *

James Potter sat on his bed in his room, staring at the red and gold wallpaper. He was beginning to think his room was a bit childish, with his house colors all over the walls. He wrung his hands nervously in his lap, and looked back at his three best friends assembled in his room.

"No response?" Peter asked.

"No, there was a response." Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes at Peter to indicate that it hadn't been good.

"I don't think she meant it the way you are taking it, Prongs." Remus began. "When she called me she said that she appreciated your honesty, but it was hard for her to forget everything you have done."

"It says- and this is a direct quote, mind you- 'Potter, while I appreciate your honesty, I cannot make any promises about civility. Unless you have truly given up picking on other students- Severus included- then I cannot promise to be nice. I am rather hot tempered-"

"Ha! Rather? Try extremely!" Sirius cut in.

"Excuse me, I wasn't done." James snapped.

"It doesn't sound so bad! You already knew she'd expect you to stop doing some of those things!" Remus defended Lily.

Remus and Lily had a very strong friendship. Lily had been Remus's first friend at Hogwarts, and he considered her to be one of his best friends. They were prefects together, sat next to each other in Divination, and studied together on the weekends. He could tell her anything- well, almost everything- and she always understood. While she could be short tempered, she was also kind and understanding. Lily was his only true friend outside of the Marauders, and he often felt very conflicted when they talked about her. Remus understood Lily in a way that others did not. He understood why Lily got so angry with James and couldn't see past his flaws. Lily may have been Remus's first friend, but Severus was Lily's first friend. First friends shared a special bond that were hard to break.

"I wasn't finished, Moony." James snapped again.

"Alright, mate. Finish reading." Sirius rolled his eyes again.

"Okay were was I? Right. 'I am rather hot tempered and cannot be expected to turn a blind eye to your bullying behavior. I think we are better off staying away from each other. If I see you treating someone poorly, I will interfere, but I won't be so quick to judge anymore. I realize that I may have judged you harsher because of Snape. Remus tells me that you're not as bad as I think, and I think very highly of Remus's opinion. Its just, you make me so angry sometimes, and I say and do things that are truly out of character. I haven't exactly been nice to you, yet you speak only highly of me. This letter, you make me sound like some kind of saint that's been sent to make you a better person, and I just... I just don't know how to respond to that. I don't think I am who you think I am.'"

"That's not so bad." Sirius said softly. "It's an improvement."

"That's not the whole letter, is it, James?" Peter asked quietly. He was looking at James with sad eyes. Earlier Peter had thought James was nervous because he had been so fidgety. Now, Peter guessed that it was because James was sad and didn't know how to hide it.

"There's more." James confirmed, but did not elaborate.

"What's it say, mate?" Remus asked.

"Just that nothing is every going to happen between us."

James stared down at the letter.

 _Potter,_

 _While I appreciate your honesty, I cannot make any promises about civility. Unless you have truly given up picking on other students- Severus included- then I cannot promise to be nice. I am rather hot tempered and cannot be expected to turn a blind eye to your bullying behavior. I think we are better off staying away from each other. If I see you treating someone poorly, I will interfere, but I won't be so quick to judge anymore. I realize that I may have judged you harsher because of Snape. Remus tells me that you're not as bad as I think, and I think very highly of Remus's opinion. Its just, you make me so angry sometimes, and I say and do things that are truly out of character. I haven't exactly been nice to you, yet you speak only highly of me. This letter, you make me sound like some kind of saint that's been sent to make you a better person, and I just... I just don't know how to respond to that. I don't think I am who you think I am._

 _I've never taken any of you advances seriously because I thought you were only asking me out to annoy Snape. Maybe I have too high of an opinion of myself and this wasn't what this letter was about, but just in case it was: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of the times I shot you done harshly. I didn't realize that I might be hurting you. It wasn't my intention. However, I feel like this is something I have to tell you. I do not return your feelings in any capacity. I don't think we should be friends. I don't think we should go out of our way to be civil to each other, either. Too much has happened between us, and I don't want either of us to get hurt any more than we already have._

 _Lily_

James shook his head. He hadn't felt this away about her rejection in years. He'd always, truly believed that they would find each other, that one day she'd open her eyes and realize that she felt same way. Tonight this letter proved that she was never going change her mind. She would never even consider being his friend, let alone anything else. He looked at his friends, who were all looking at him, waiting for an answer.

"What?" James said. He hadn't been listening.

"I asked about the letter. Finish reading it." Peter demanded.

"Here." James said, handing the letter to his friends. "Read it yourself."

The other three Marauders read the letter as James stared at the ceiling, feeling helpless.

* * *

"Remus!" Lily said into the phone, laughing. It had been two weeks since her letter, and Remus had given up on his half-hearted anger about the letter to James. Lily was sitting on her bed, phone pressed to her ear, thinking about how much she truly missed her friends from school. Lily had been feeling particularly sad when Remus had called her and just talking to him had cheered her up.

"What, I'm just saying. If you're sister marries that man, you may be related to someone who is half walrus!"

"I know, but if the walrus makes her happy... Who am I to judge her."

"But that walrus of a man doesn't want you in her life. He wants her to permanently disown you."

"I've always kinda thought that would happen, anyways." Lily said sadly.

"Lils. Don't say that. She's your sister."

"She's always hated magic, you know that. Every since I was introduced to our world, she's hated it. She asked me when I was going to give up on 'all this magic stuff' and join the real world. I have no desire to join the muggle world anymore. This world, full of magic and possibilities, is all I know now. I could never be satisfied with a normal life now."

"I guess." Remus said, but Lily could sense he wanted to say more.

"Could you ever be with a muggle?" Lily asked.

"I don't see myself with anyone." Remus replied, but Lily could hear his voice was far away.

"I mean, hypothetically. It'd be weird, right?"

"Weird?"

"Like you'd always have to hide a part of yourself from them or, if they knew, there'd always be a huge part of your life that your partner couldn't be involved in."

"And you'd be bored senseless, Lily." Lily could hear Remus smiling into the phone. "You're so full of passion and adventure. You need someone who challenges you, surprises you. Everyday would need to be an adventure for you to be happy."

"So I'm supposed to marry James Bond?" Lily laughed.

"Well there are other people around you who are exciting, who challenge you..." Remus trailed off, unsure of how much he wanted to push Lily. They usually avoided the subject of James. Remus didn't often mention what the Marauders were up to, and Lily didn't bring up any fights she'd had with James or Sirius. It was kind of an awkward understanding, but neither wanted to upset the other, so it was the best possible solution.

"Yeah, like who? Sorry but Alex McKinnon really isn't my cup of tea."

"You think Alex is exciting?" Remus exclaimed. "Have you seen my friends! Talk about excitement. Sirius has been fixing up a muggle motorcycle and plans to enchant it to fly! James discovered four different passageways out of the castle that lead straight to Hogsmead! He once went all the way to muggle London and back without being caught! Peter set fire to that horrible tapestry on the fifth floor corridor-"

"The one that shouted insults at anyone who walked by?"

"Yup, that's the one. And he enchanted the fire so that nothing else would catch fire but no water could put out the fire. It was actually brilliant."

"Are you suggesting that I date Peter, then? Because I don't think that'd end well."

"No, it certainly would not." Remus agreed, trying not to image James' wrath if he discovered that one of his best friends was dating Lily.

"Remus, I know were you're going with this." Lily sighed. "I was nice to him. I told him I wasn't interested and I apologized for being unfair to him in the past."

"But you said there was no chance you could even tolerate being civil to him!"

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Lily demanded. "Do you think we could actually be friends? That we could make it through even an entire hour without breaking into a horrible fight?"

"You told him once that you knew he never meant the words he said, that he wasn't trying to hurt you." Remus spoke softly, knowing that he was breaking the very agreement that their friendship relied on.

"But he _did_ hurt me, Rem. I tried so hard to save Sev. I tried so hard to show him that his friends were a terrible influence, and every time James picked on him, Severus went running back to those Death Eater friends of his! He took away my best and oldest friend, and every time I think of Severus, I imagine his joining ranks with Voldemort and killing innocent people! If Sirius and James hadn't targeted Severus in first year, perhaps he would have made other friends and he could have been different! I lost my best friend, Remus. Its so hard not to be angry when Potter has three amazing friends that would do anything for him, and I lost that person in my life."

"Lily. You still have that person. You have me. You have Mary, Marlene, Alice, and Peter! You'll never be alone."

"I know, but Severus was different."

"Lily... Was Severus different because you felt differently towards him?" Remus said this slowly. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to this question.

"What? No. I wasn't in love with him." Lily left the rest unspoken: she could have been but he ruined it.

"Okay, then no more talking about him from now on."

"But-"

"No buts. You are moving on from the Severus Snape portion of you life. There are bigger and better things out there for you, Lily Evans."

"Like what?"

"Like giving James a chance."

There was silence on the other line. If Remus had known Lily less, he'd have thought that their phone connection had been dropped, but he knew Lily and he knew he'd completely shocked her.

"Not like that. But try to be civil with. You don't have to be his friend, but you also don't need to be his enemy. He's trying to be a better person."

"It's just, doesn't sound likely. We drive each other crazy."

"And you don't think there could be other reasons for that?" Remus asked. Although Remus couldn't see Lily through the phone, he could practically feel her eyes narrowing.

"What does that mean?" She asked sharply.

"Nothing, Lily. Nothing. Just think about it, yeah? I've got to go, my mom is under the impression that I'm talking to a girlfriend and she keeps making suggestive faces to me from across the room. It's rather unnerving."

"Alright. We're still meeting at the Leaky Cauldron, right?"

"Yup. 5 o'clock on Sunday!

The rest of the week passed very slowly for Lily. She'd gotten into three fights with Petunia, one of them resulting in the handle of their shared bathroom door being broken. Petunia had been locked in the bathroom for what, to Lily, had seemed like hours. Tired of waiting, Lily had threatened to break into the bathroom using magic. This, of course, caused a huge fight. By the time Petunia had screeched "freak" three times, both Lily and Petunia were clutching the bathroom door, with the former attempting to force open the door and the ladder desperately trying to keep it closed. The struggle had put too much stress on the door handle, and the locked snapped. Their parents had been furious, and both girls were forced to apologize to the other. They had apologized, however, they had spent the rest of the week simply avoiding each other.

Since her parents worked long hours, Lily spent most of the week not talking to anyone. Which was why, when Sunday rolled around, Lily was ecstatic to meet Remus. She was rather looking forward to good company, good food, and stimulating conversation.

The Leaky Cauldron was one of Lily's favorite places in Wizarding London. The pub served as the transition between Muggle London and Wizarding London. Only a witch or a wizard could see the pub, and, for that reason, she always identified with the pub. She too, was caught in the middle of two worlds.

Walking into the pub, Lily shook her head, attempting to clear her mind. She hadn't even had a drink and her mind was already wondering. However, upon entering the pub, Lily did not see Remus.

"Evans." Lily winced. _That_ was definitely not Remus's voice.

"Potter?"

"Yeah, not who you were expecting?"

"Not at all." Lily said. "Where's Remus."

"He's not well. He wanted to send a letter, but it was too late."

"So you volunteered to come meet me?" Lily sneered.

"No, I was the only one that was able to." James sighed, looking like he desperately wished to be anywhere else. "After all, we can't even be civil, right?"

James started to walk away, leaving Lily surprised.

"Potter!" Lily called after him.

"What?" His voice was harsh and Lily took a step back. Even though James and Lily spent most of their interactions arguing, Lily had never heard this tone from him. At least not her. Potter would not meet her eyes and he didn't seem to want to be anywhere near her. Although, Lily reflected, if she'd been on the receiving end of a letter like hers, she wasn't sure she'd want to talk to herself, either.

"Is he alright?"

"Yeah." But he didn't meet Lily's eye.

"Potter, look at me!" Lily shouted, startling herself with her intensity. "He means just as much to me as he means to you. What happened?"

"He's just not doing well." Again, Potter didn't meet her eyes.

"I just want answers! I just need to know he's okay. He's my friend too."

"Not everything is your business, Evans." He spoke with that same harsh voice, but instead of stepping away, this time Lily stepped closer.

"The full moon was three days ago. He's usually better by now. I picked today so that he'd be feeling better."

Lily had only ever seen James Potter at a loss for words twice in his life. The first time, Sirius had just learned the silencing charm and found it hilarious to show his prowess by sneakily silencing his friends and watching their frustration grow. That had been in second year. The second time was after he'd asked her out for the first time and Lily had said no, assuming it was just a way to mess with Severus. She'd walked away with the image of his face in her mind, telling herself that Severus had been the reason. She'd never been able to shake the feeling she'd gotten in her stomach every time he asked her out. She'd feel a queasy sense of guilt and pictured his face in that moment, shocked and- she now realize- sad.

Potter was wearing a similar face right now, she realized.

"You know?" His voice was quiet and he glanced around the bar, making sure no was listening.

"Snape had a lot of theories. At first, I thought he was just being malicious, but then I started noticing little things. I never really thought that Remus had a rabbit."

"Lily, you can NEVER tell-"

"I've known for over a year, Potter. He's one of my best friends. I'd never tell."

James nodded, processing this information. "Let's get a drink, Evans."

Lily gave him a look, her eyes wide.

"I promise not to ask you to marry me." James added dryly. "But I have to make sure Remus' secret is safe."

Lily remained quiet for another second, gaping at Potter.

"Humor me."

Lily, realizing this issue was bigger than her feelings for James, sat down next to him.

And so, Lily and James sat down to share their first real conversation together.

* * *

Peter sat at home, feeling rather lonely. Although he had spent the last few days with his friends, he had nothing particularly exciting planned for today, and was therefore thoroughly bored. He was just deciding between taking a nap and reading a book when there was a knock on his door.

Peter opened the door to find Sirius grinning at him.

"Ah," Peter said as he allowed Sirius to step around him and come inside. "You wanted to get your arse kicked in chess again, I see."

"That was once." Sirius said dryly.

"Still happened." Peter laughed, only to realize that the mirth hadn't reached Sirius' eyes.

"What happened?" Peter demanded.

"My father asked me to make a choice tonight."

"What kind of choice?"

"He said I didn't have to return to school, that he could find a place for me in _his_ ranks." Sirius looked directly at Peter. "He gave me a few hours to think about it, and I came straight here. If anyone could understand this, it'd be you."

"His meaning-" Squeaked before he was cut off by Sirius.

"Yes, Peter Lord Vold-"

"Don't say his name!" Peter yelled.

"Peter, I can't be a Death Eater, but my father has made it clear that if that's not what I want, then I no longer have a family."

Peter paused for a moment and regarded Sirius with a somber expression. "You have family, Padfoot, you know that. You've always had family."

"But-" Sirius began before he was cut off my Peter.

"Blood doesn't determine who your family is. You have three bothers who have your back. You always have."

Sirius didn't say anything after that, but rather sat next to Peter for a long time, soaking in his words. As the bright sun slowly dimmed and afternoon turned to dusk, Sirius realized it was time to go. He'd always known he wouldn't join ranks and become a Death Eater and he knew that he'd probably lose his family in the process, but they were still his family. It didn't make it any easier. Turning his back on the Blacks would have been easy- he'd seen enough cruelty in that house to convinced that his parents were terrible people. His brother, however, was just a boy.

But, the voice in the back of Sirius' head reminded him, he made his decision. He chose a side. His brother wasn't a boy anymore- his mind had been twisted and corrupted to the point where Sirius no longer believed that he could be saved.

"Peter," Sirius called back to his friend as he turned to leave the room. "Thanks."

"I'm always here to remind you who you truly are."

nd with that Sirius set out to do what he always knew he had to do. Hours later, he'd stand on the porch of another one of his friends' homes, homelessd but no longer alone.

* * *

James and Lily talked for the entirety of an hour, discussing Remus and his condition in coded terms. The conversation wasn't altogether unpleasant; however, Lily couldn't help feeling as if James was judging her in some way.

"…You've known for how long?"

"Beginning of term fourth year." Lily responded. She had answered this question already, of course, but James was insisting he double check her facts several times over.

Lily was fairly certain this was an interrogation.

"And you found out through Snape? But that doesn't make sense, he didn't find out until fifth year." James accused, squinting at Lily.

"The incident at the Whomping Willow? Snape actually _knows_?" Lily demanded.

"Yes. I pulled him away from getting eaten by Remus in werewolf form."

"What!?" Lily demanded.

"I thought you saved his life! But he was right! You- You-" Lily had to stop to take a breath, her anger was so potent that she could barely form a coherent sentence.

"It wasn't me." James almost shouted, but them remembered the secrecy of their conversation and also took a deep breath before slowly, and quietly explaining. "Sirius sometimes doesn't know his limits. He told Snape- thinking it would be funny. Of course, no one actually found the incident funny and both Snape and I almost died."

"Sirius? What? But why would he…?"

"Sirius didn't have the same upbringing as you and I did. I'm assuming a little bit here, so feel free to correct me if I am wrong. But I grew up with parents who love me no matter what, a family that wanted me to be happy above anything else. Sirius' upbringing was much darker than that. I don't know all of the specifics, but from the day I met Sirius he has always alluded that his family was evil. At first, I didn't think much of it- sometimes kids exaggerate about their families, but…"

Lily cut him off. "I know who the Blacks' are. You don't need to explain."

"But it's more than that, Evans. The blood supremacy was only a part of it. He was brought up knowing that his parents were in favor of killing someone else because of their bloodline, that they were capable of torture and cruelty, and I'm not saying that didn't damage him. But it's more than that. His family didn't show him love and that cruelty was directed him, as well. It made him willing to oppose his family simply to oppose them."

Lily looked down, slightly uncomfortable. She was unsure why Potter was telling her this, and she was positive that Sirius would not be happy that his childhood was being shared with her.

James noticed her look, and paused. "Not that he's against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named simply to oppose his parents, but when you're younger, your parents influence so much of the way you think. Had they shown him love, he may have been more open to sharing their beliefs. Am I making sense?"

Lily nodded. "You're making sense, but perhaps this isn't my business?"

"But it is! You have to understand why Sirius did what he did. He may have removed himself from his parents, but his parents still left their mark. Sirius isn't a naturally compassionate or warm person. The people he loves, he loves with his whole heart, but he was never taught compassion or forgiveness. He was taught anger and hate though, and although he tries to fight it, Sirius's greatest weakness will always be that he is completely rash, unforgiving, and can be incredibly cruel to those he does not like. Sirius will always hate Snape. He hates Snape for choosing the life he walked away from. For willingly embracing the blood supremist's ideology. Snape wasn't born into it, he chose it."

"So that makes it okay?" Lily whispered.

"No. Absolutely not. We didn't talk to Sirius for a month. Don't give me that look." James added when he saw Lily's incredulous look. "I know what you're thinking. A month of not talking to him when he almost got someone killed and almost turned one of his best friends into a murder. But Sirius is better when he's with us. He remembers that he's loved and that he has a family. It makes him a better, kinder person."

Lily and James sat quietly for a moment. Lily tried to digest the information.

"So you are saying that you are Sirius' buffer? You keep him from doing incredibly stupid and harmful things to others?"

"He didn't think about the repercussions. As soon as he did it, he regretted it. That's why he told me what he had done. So I could stop it."

"That's a lot to take in." Lily trailed off. "But did you just tell me that you're friends with Sirius out of obligation?"

"No. He's my best mate. He just needs reminding of who he is sometimes."

There was another pause, but this time the pause wasn't awkward. "You never answered my question, though. How did you know in fourth year?"

"Snape had theories. He may not have known for sure, but he guessed. He told me what I thought and I told him to drop it, but once the thought was in my head, I began to notice little details that other people didn't think about. How he would leave to visit his mother once a month. That alone wouldn't be that suspicious, but it was always during the full moon. I began to track when he left and the full moons and they always corresponded."

"And this information means what to you?" James asked, which Lily suspected was his ultimate goal of this interrogation.

"That one of my best friends has to go through immeasurable amounts of pain every month. That he will be discriminated against for the rest of his life for something that he can't change. It breaks my heart. Remus Lupin is the most selfless and kind person I have ever met, and for him to suffer- it's not fair."

James stared at Lily for a minute before reminding himself that he was attempting to get over her.

"Did I pass?" Lily asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Pass?"

"The interrogation. Do you approve of me knowing? Because I'm a little afraid that if you don't approve, the punishment is death."

"You think I'd kill you?" James asked, half joking. "Oh, no. That's what Sirius is for."

Lily stared at him for a second before bursting out laughing. James joined in as well, and the two enjoyed a pleasant moment together.

"I should go, James." James froze. She'd never called him James before. Even though he'd been telling himself to get over her, even though he knew that she would never feel the same way towards him, he couldn't slow his pounding heart. He couldn't stop the word from playing over and over in his name. "James." He could hear her voice, soft and sweet. He could feel her voice all the way down to his toes, his whole body anxious to hear his name from her lips once more.

He knew he was being ridiculous. He knew that reacting this way was borderline stalker, but he couldn't help it.

* * *

Severus Snape was not enjoying his holiday in the slightest bit. He hated being in his muggle house, where magic was forbidden. He hated that his mother cowered when his father came into the room. He hated the stench of alcohol that wafted from his father, and he hated how he still flinched when he heard his drunken father's voice.

He hated that this summer provided no escape. He could not, as he had done in the previous years, sneak off to Lily's. She wouldn't comfort him, and she wouldn't want to see him.

He had sent letters to his friends, and Roiser has invited him to stay for a few weeks, which he gladly accepted. He was with Roiser when he walked into the Leaky Cauldron.

"You could stay a few more days, if you didn't want to go back. Mother certainly won't care." Roiser was saying, but Snape's mind couldn't have been farther away from their conversation. He had frozen, feet rooted to the ground as he stared at his worst nightmare: Potter and Lily sitting at a table, wrapped up in a conversation. Lily was even _laughing_ at what Potter had to say.

"Severus?" Roiser called, pulling him back to reality.

"What? Oh, yeah. Your house is way better than my stupid muggle father's." Snape sneered.

Roiser went to a table and sat down. Unfortunately for Severus, the table happened to be directly behind Potter and Lily's table. Severus told himself not to listen, but he couldn't help himself.

"Well, I should get back to Remus. I don't think he thought this would take so long." Potter told Lily.

"Right, of course. Tell him I hope he feels better."

"I will."

Severus was too busy hating Potter to notice the awkwardness between Lily and James. Potter started to walk away, but Lily remained standing by the table.

"James," she called.

Severus' heart sank. She was on a first name basis with him now?

"Yes?"

"Maybe, I was wrong before. Maybe we can be civil?" The last sentence came out as more of a question than a statement.

"You sure?" Potter's voice was only a little bit resentful.

"We managed today." Severus hated this conversation. How could she befriend him?

"Friends?" Potter asked much too hopefully for Severus' liking.

Lily stared at him for a moment. "Don't push it, _Potter_."

"Where's your sense of adventure?" Potter smirked at Lily. The prick was e _njoying_ this.

"Must've all run out." Lily smirked back at him, before starting to walk away. Potter did too. Severus stared at the ground. His head snapped up when he Lily's voice again.

"And James?" There was that first name again.

"Yeah?"

"You're a good friend." Lily said, taking one last look at Potter and then swayed he way out of the pub, leaving both James and Severus staring at her retreating form.

* * *

James was lying on his bed, reading his Transfiguration book when he heard the familiar tapping of an owl's beak against his window. He stood up and hurried to the window to let the owl in. James recognized the owl immediately; it was the owl that had delivered his letter from Lily. He looked the letter and smiled.

Every damn time he thought he could get over her, she reminded him why he fell in love with her in the first place.

He took the letter back to his bed and continued reading his book, occasionally glancing at the words, as if to make sure they were really there.

 _Potter,_

 _What the hell? I guess I need a little adventure in my life._

 _Cheers,_

 _Lily_

* * *

 _AN: Please review and let me know what you think!_


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